Recently, I’ve learned that my mother had found a lump on her breast and will be getting it tested in a few days. The fact that she instantly broke down and cried did not illicit pity or sorrow from me but rather, I was became very ANGRY.

I wasn’t angry at the situation. I wasn’t angry at life because “its not fair.” I was angry at my mother. I was angry because her response was just to lay down and take it like a bitch.

My mother has always been an insecure, needy, dependent, overemotional crybaby. I understand that she’s that way because she is a Vietnamese immigrant and custom dictates that a woman’s role is dedicated solely to her husband and to her family. She is expected to defer to her elders and men, even when they are wrong. So when she finds something as scary as a lump on her breast, she just submits to fate and gives the fuck up.

No, I’m really not as heartless as you think I am. Yes, it is fucking scary. But why can’t she fight it? Why does she immediately have to give up? Why can’t she be stronger? That is what makes me so angry.

I do really make attempts to talk to my mother about it, but I speak Vietnamese at a 5th grade level with a very basic vocabulary and its safe to say that my mother speaks English at roughly the same level. With that in mind, you can imagine that there is quite a language barrier between us.

It’s difficult for me to articulate my thoughts to her. I am unable to explain to her why she should be stronger and fight it. She does not make it any easier because she becomes too busy worrying and feeling sorry for herself. I then become angry all over again because of her attitude. And so the conversation ends with me silently fuming over my mother crying for herself.

She’s a great mom, but as a woman, she is a shitty role model. Yet, I am the way I am because of her. Because my character is diametric to my mother’s. Where she just does what she’s told, I always question it. Where she is emotional and given to tears at any moment, I am a hard cold bitch. Where she is meek and lets people walk all over her, I become an abrasive asshole if you dare try to take advantage of me.

I am the way I am because I see my mom, a woman who willingly took away her own rights, and I realized that I do not want to be like her.

“Your blog is teh crap. Why aren’t you pimpin it out?”

A very good friend just asked me that. And I’m going to have to agree with him, that asshole. But I say that with utmost admiration. Surely.

I realize that the site looks like crap. I honestly have never really used wordpress until now, so throw me a bone here. I also post maybe once in a blue moon that turn out to be seemingly unimportant ramblings, but in truth, I currently have 16 different drafts that I plan on posting (one of these days), but I can’t seem to sit myself down long enough to finish it.

Not that I really give a shit that I have readers.

This blog was originally created to just write about random shit that interest me. I have no intention of optimizing or using it as a vehicle to make money in any way, shape, or form. I toyed with the idea, but in the end, I’ve got plenty of other blogs and AM projects up the wazoo, thank you very much.

The Cleverbytch is my “personal” blog. It’s my special place. Its like my bedroom. Just for me. And my cat. If I only had one. I’d name it Pinky. But that aside. I’m NOT going to write about AM here. In fact, none of my AM colleagues even know of this blog’s existence. None of my family know either for that matter.

Just you, Jon, you asshole. And a bunch of random people that tried to Google up “Sarah Palin Cunt” who wrote some stupid comments and linked to stupid Palin images that I ended up deleting.

The point of this entry? That I really don’t give a shit who goes on it and what people think about it. As far as I’m concerned, it’s sole purpose is to make me happy, not you.

Yeah, you. Jon. Asshole.

Old Xanga.com Post: October 07, 2002 2:58 AM

I was just thinking about things and getting myself all worked up and pissed off about it.

I was thinking about my goals and the obstacles I face; whatever they may be. Since you’re not me, you don’t know what I’m talking about.

And I just wish we human beings aren’t so fucking stupid, then maybe the world would be a better place.

Thoughts on this Post Today:

Amen sister!

However, upon further investigation on my personal journal, the post was in part referencing a betrayal of sorts. My ex-best friend and my current best friend went behind my back to hang out despite the fact the current best friend knew about the conflict going on. I forgave that friend the next day, but we ended up drifting apart in the subsequent months anyway. There seems to be other stuff going on, but at this point I don’t give a shit about any old school infantile drama, so I’m not going to bother elaborating the details.

I rather talk about the goals and obstacles I had 6 years ago. I was mostly whining about the difficult time I was having in my chemistry class. At that point I was in the pre-med program and was studying to get into med school. I was a sophomore in college and had no idea what I wanted to do. I didn’t know where I wanted to be five years from then. But since I was and still am known for my cold, hard decisiveness, my indecision made me angry.

But to make the story short, a few months down the road from the post on 10/07/02, I had realized I’d be stuck in school for about 12 years and understanding that I’d have no way of committing that much time, I switched from the pre-med program to the comp-sci program. Later, I switched from comp-sci to economics but I ended up switching yet again, graduating with a bachelor of science in resource economics and a bachelor of science in psychology.

So in the end, what I’m doing now has nothing to do with my sophomore year aspirations. College is just a time sink for the indecisive while they get their shit together after graduation. Like how I did.

My current occupation is in the internet marketing and research industry. Because of the trackability of search marketing as an advertising outlet, a bulk of my job includes analyzing such data on the ad campaigns I manage. As dull and boring as it sounds to those that are unfamiliar with the industry, I find it interesting, exciting, and I really enjoy my job.

I’m happy to say that I am where I want to be at this age, at this point in my career. I’ve got some rather lofty goals for the future, which consists of creating a name for myself and ruling the world with my awesomeness. Maybe I’ll refer back to my old posts in the future and ridicule them again, or maybe I’ll be where I want to be. Just you wait and see.